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Choosing to forgive and reconcile presents challenges and opportunities for families at all stages of life because families find themselves in so many situations where forgiveness and reconciliation are required! Father Ronald Rolheiser reminds us that in families, "we cannot NOT hurt each other." "The name of the game is forgiveness," he notes, because "when we forgive, when we live beyond our hurts and hypersensitivities, God can enter our lives in a way that approximates what happened at the resurrection. Forgiveness is the force that rolls back the stone." How do we define forgiveness? It is a process of letting go of the anger associated with being hurt by another, and moving beyond it to a state of peace. Forgiveness is related to reconciliation, but is not identical to it, for reconciliation requires not only getting past anger, but also renewing and restoring a broken relationship. For Christians, forgiveness means letting go of painful memories in light of the death and resurrection of Jesus, whose entire life serves as a model of forgiveness and reconciliation. In recent years, forgiveness has become an important area of study for social scientists, but Christians for centuries have advocated the path of forgiveness and reconciliation as a way of life. In Jesus Christ, forgiveness and reconciliation are possible, and the power to forgive and reconcile is ours to embrace. Family relationships are a primary site of forgiveness and reconciliation; in families we have the potential to heal and destroy on a daily basis. Therefore, family members must heed the constant call to forgive, be forgiven, to reconcile and be reconciled. As previously noted, however, forgiveness in any relationship, including families, does not always lead to reconciliation. In some cases of domestic violence, divorce, or long, bitter family feuds, for example, it may be inadvisable or impossible to reconcile. While many religious people have been taught to "turn the other cheek," this should not imply that faith requires people to continue in relationships where reconciliation is impossible. Those ministering to families in crisis can encourage them to let go of these relationships, and can help them to move forward in a healthy way. How do we translate ideas about forgiveness and reconciliation into a way of life for real families? There are many strategies for forgiving and reconciling; I choose to highlight two – one for those about to embark on family life, and one for families at any stage of life. 1. Invite couples to marriage preparation that fosters faith as well as interpersonal skills. Anyone who has worked with couples preparing for marriage knows that they face unprecedented challenges such as a culture that supports unrestricted individual gratification and freedom from responsibility at the expense of interpersonal commitment and faithfulness in relationship. This culture tends to create an environment where choosing forgiveness and reconciliation are difficult. Marriage preparation that emphasizes skills and faith formation can provide a foundation which supports and encourages forgiveness and reconciliation. By helping engaged couples develop skills for forgiving and reconciling in the midst of a world that does not often support these values, we may give them a more solid foundation for their married lives. 2. Encourage development of communication skills throughout all life stages. Family members at all stages of life must develop communication skills that foster cooperation and openness to forgiveness and reconciliation. While family members sometimes inflict injury on each other, they also have numerous opportunities to create a forgiving and reconciling atmosphere. This can be accomplished through careful listening, attentiveness to each other's needs, and awareness of each other's strengths and weaknesses. Good communication may also enhance spiritual growth, for through effective communication family members learn to express the reality of God within them. Communities of faith can support good communication by developing programming on the topic and by modeling effective communication on a broader scale. Throughout life, families are invited to choose forgiveness and reconciliation. In challenging times, they can draw on the strength of their relationships, the support of others, and their faith to move from discouragement to healing. Christian tradition clearly encourages forgiveness and reconciliation; we know, however, that putting them into practice is sometimes difficult in a culture where admitting a mistake is a sign of weakness, and in a church institution that sometimes has difficulty admitting its own shortcomings. The loving God made flesh in Jesus Christ calls us to choose forgiveness and reconciliation, and invites us to embody them in this broken world. As centers of faith, families have a unique opportunity to make real God's promise of healing by living together in the mystery of Christ's death and resurrection, and by opening hearts and hands to forgiveness and reconciliation. Christian hope tells us that this can happen because all things are possible with God. Both theology and the social sciences point to evidence that forgiveness and reconciliation are crucial for family success. We recognize, however, that it is sometimes difficult to forgive, and even more problematic to reconcile with one another. Healthy families have the potential to make real the power of forgiveness and reconciliation by developing them in the context of daily life. Faith communities also have opportunities and challenges as they strive to help families embody forgiveness and reconciliation. How well we accomplish these goals may well determine the direction of families in the 21st century. Joann Heaney-Hunter March 2006 |
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