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| What Relevance Has The Monastic Spirituality Of Carmelites For Families? |
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 I have been very encouraged recently by the response of parents when they heard what their true spirituality was. Many of them had come to Confirmation meetings with a narrow, limited understanding of family holiness that focused on prayer in the home and formal religious practice. They had some difficulty initially in accepting that ironing clothes in the kitchen, having a barbecue in the back yard, changing nappies in the bathroom or playing cards at the dining-room table could be deeply spiritual activities – or making love in the bedroom! When they realised, however, that the quality of love in the home was at the heart of family spirituality, they began to understand how holy it is to play with their children as well as to pray with their children. They began to come alive. 'Holiness' took on new meaning and appeal for them and they warmed to a religion that offered them growth and inspiration. The 'monastic-type' spirituality that had limited their growth gave way to a fresh, holistic vision rooted in daily living. Lopsided and divisive Why, then, you might ask, should families consider turning to someone monastic, to a Carmelite nun, when they go searching for a deeper understanding of family spirituality? Because genuine monastic spirituality, correctly understood, can enormously enrich them! The life lived in healthy religious communities has a great deal to teach families – just as the life lived in healthy families has a great deal to teach religious communities. Why do I say that? Because we are all called to live in community – to be the image of a God who is not an individual but a community of three persons in a loving relationship. We are aware since Vatican 2 that everyone is called to live in relationships, to belong to a community or family. We are aware that we are saved, not so much as individuals but as a community, a people living in communion. Thus, terms like lay spirituality or clerical spirituality may be unhelpful distractions: they divide spirituality into pigeonholes; they suggest lopsided, different approaches and miss the essential unity to which everyone is called. Whereas community or family spirituality is inclusive and all-embracing: it is for all. Especially for families. Off-putting Little Flower spirituality But why look to St Therese of Lisieux? For some families Therese might actually be one of the last people they would want to think of as a model. They may feel put off by much of the sentimentality surrounding devotion to the 'Little Flower,' by the middle-class culture in which Therese grew up, by all the trappings and assumptions of the 19th century French church that influenced her – and by her emphasis on suffering! Twenty-first century families might also find it difficult to relate to much of her 'Story of a Soul' because it is so remote from their experience of family life today. We need to look below these surface deterrents if we are to find what is important in the message of Therese. And what we do find there is well worth discovering, because hers is a spirituality that is extremely relevant for families. At a time when there is huge interest in spirituality, Therese offers ways of deepening and enriching it, particularly by grounding it in a helpful theology. (Chris O'Donnell has pointed out in his excellent book on Therese, 'Love in the heart of the Church,' that theology and spirituality had become separated in the 13th century and one of Therese's gifts was to bring them both back together). 1. Positive thinking The first thing that families might learn from Therese has to do with her positive thinking. In her day, a narrow, negative Jansenism was rife in the French Church. Even mainstream spirituality emphasised fear of God's justice, of hell and of purgatory. Therese realised that we are all beloved children of a loving God and she had no time for this negative thinking. When people talked of their fear of God's justice, she pointed out that there is nothing to fear – God is the best kind of judge, she maintained, who takes into account all the circumstances and intentions we have. Similarly, she thought of purgatory, not as punishment but as the purification we go through after death if we have not undergone that purification on earth. It is easy to see how essential this more positive thinking can be for families today, 2. The frustrations of being 'family' A second thing we can learn from Therese arises from the strength and depth of her love for others in her community. Like many parents, who often learn to love when they are stretched and pulled and humbled by family demands and tensions, Therese lived in close proximity with others and felt the irritations and frustrations of rubbing up against people very different to herself. In these situations we can react and blame – or, like Therese, we can respond in love. She was so kind to the one who irritated her most that that nun actually thought Therese was unusually fond of her! Someone was telling me recently about a man who attends Mass every day (and who also says fifteen decades of the Rosary daily). While those things are good in themselves, it is obvious to this man's friends that he lives a self-centred, selfish life. Husbands or wives (or celibates) who continue to live a selfish, 'bachelor' lifestyle like this do not need to be told to pray more! They need family spirituality. They need the kind of feedback and support and challenge that healthy families and healthy religious communities constantly live with. In families and in good relationships we get the edges rubbed off us. We are stretched and led where we don't want to go – often by our teenagers! Our time, our money, our space, our car are no longer our own. We are constantly being forced to grow, to negotiate and open ourselves to meeting the needs of one another. Thus, many people in families, often without being aware of it, live lives that are increasingly loving, increasingly for others. They learn through experience what it means to die to self, to die with Christ, as they bring forth new life in other family members – and in themselves.* 3. The prayer of daily living Another thing that families might learn from religious communities is the value of ordinary daily living and loving. Carmelites have long seen their daily actions as a prayer, and they have offered their labours, their eating, their washing, their walking, even their sleeping as part of their prayer. "But is God not asking more of me than my poor actions and desires?' Therese asked the Venerable Anne of Jesus in a significant dream. "No," was the reply, "God asks no other thing from you." The bible also sums it up well: Only this does the Lord ask of you. 'To act justly, to love tenderly and to walk humbly with your God.' (Micah 6:8) Hassled families need to hear this message – that rising to attend to a child at three o'clock in the morning is holy, is a prayer; that breastfeeding is a prayer; that making time to listen and explain is a prayer; that teaching the children to ride bikes is a prayer; that training them to do chores at home is a prayer; that playing football in the garden is a prayer. Just as a tree glorifies God merely by being a tree, a family's daily actions that are in harmony with God are holy, they give glory to God, they are prayers. Therese's gift to us lies in making this holiness of daily living and loving easier to see. She shows us that it is available to everyone through the 'littleness' of their very ordinary daily lives. Lay people in the past may have seen Cistercian and Carmelite contemplatives as being able to do great good for others far beyond the monastery through their daily labours. But Therese (the Patroness of the Missions who never stood in mission territory) encourages us to see that God is very pleased with the humble, daily living and loving of Joe Soap (or Mary Soap), and that lay people also can do great good, even in faraway places, through their daily thoughts, words and actions around the home. *'Loving' can take many mistaken paths. One of the most helpful supports in avoiding these paths and offering a clearer sense of direction for a family or community is Family Systems Theory as explained, e.g., in the writings of Ed Friedman ('From Generation to Generation') and of Harriet Lerner ('The Dance of Anger.') Family Systems asks, "How do I need to change for the sake of those around me?" 4. Focus on the 'bigger picture' That leads us a step further. For Therese shows us how to deepen this spirituality of daily living and loving – by living our lives, not just for our immediate families but also for people far beyond our families, for all God's children. She constantly offered her sufferings and prayer and acts of love for others in the Body of Christ. Her life of love was powerfully reinforced by her strong sense of the Communion of Saints and the Body of Christ. (Indeed, she was so aware of the Communion of Saints that she realised that her caring for others would continue beyond the grave, and that she would be spending her own heaven doing good on earth.) She understood that our daily actions, lived in harmony with God, are not just good and holy for us but can be applied to others. They can lessen the sufferings of others and turn people away from evil habits. They can strengthen and sustain missionaries everywhere. They can foster peace and justice in the poverty-stricken and conflicted regions of the world. As Therese sees it, Jesus has handed over to us, his Body, unimaginable power to heal and transform and renew the world when we simply live humble, loving lives – 'almighty' God has even become a more vulnerable, less powerful God who is now dependent on us. "Is Jesus not all-powerful?" Therese writes in a letter to Celine, then she answers her own question, "He does not will to do anything without us." What Therese is saying, in short, is that we can do enormous good for others when we empty ourselves and allow God to act through us. In this respect, the Eucharist would seem to be very important if we are to allow ourselves to channel God to others. But too many families see Eucharist as something that happens at the altar – priests and catechists need to help them see that it includes the daily living and loving that we bring to the altar. The celebration in church must not be emphasised at the expense of daily living. Therese, then, is offering us a family spirituality that draws us out of ourselves and sanctifies our daily living, our washing-up, our fun with the children, our struggles to make ends meet, our visits to relations, our frustrations. All these daily joys and sorrows can be dedicated to our needy sisters and brothers in the Body of Christ and can do unimaginable good for them. In this way she is widening and deepening family spirituality, directing it outwards – something that is all the more necessary today when such thinking is out of fashion. In Therese's time, there was a narrow emphasis on 'saving one's own soul,' which she personally had no time for – she allowed her whole life to become an offering for others and she made it clear that she would even have been willing to lose heaven if it meant that others might be reached and saved. Today, in some circles, there is a new, equally individualistic emphasis on 'my' space, 'my' meditation, 'my' personal growth, 'my' spirituality. Sadly, when we neglect the doctrine of the Body of Christ, as many do today, we neglect the 'bigger picture' and run the risk of settling for a spirituality that is too centred on our selves and on our immediate concerns and anxieties. What kind of 'domestic church' is a family that does not have a sense of mission? 5. Being imperfect helps! Therese's 'little way' has also got much to say to families. With it she breaks down for us the bible teaching about our weakness being our strength before God. "If anyone is a little one, let them come to me." (Proverbs 9,4) Many of us grew up with the idea that God was looking for perfection in us. And this 'perfection' was so far out of our reach that it became discouraging. Therese felt this gap (and a great many people floundering in the messiness of family life also feel it!) She could see that she was able to do only little, ordinary things – she could not measure up to the great 'giants' of holiness who are honoured as great saints. Instead of getting discouraged, however, she was delighted to become aware of her weakness and littleness. For she realised that God is actually looking for emptiness and willingness – not perfection. She realised that God's power to heal and restore and renew the world becomes ours when we are empty. If we are full – full of our own importance, or with minds too full of distractions or material desires – God cannot act in us. But when we are empty, when we go to God as a little child goes, aware of our weakness and littleness, yet still trusting, then God's love can enter and fill us and shine through us. This is the basis of her 'Little Way.' If we want to do good for others, then preaching to them, or teaching, or writing – or even great acts of generosity for them – may have little effect. What does have effect is allowing ourselves to be vehicles of God's love and compassion – and that starts with 'littleness.' Therese herself was convinced of her own ineptitude, her littleness, yet she was also aware of the depths of her own love and sanctity – because she knew, like Mary, that God had filled her emptiness. In this way she has helped a great many people to find encouragement and hope rather than despair in their weaknesses. Even our awareness of our pride we can turn into a prayer – "There I go again, dear God. See how weak and full of pride and vanity I am! But I come to you in trust - I am so glad to be aware of this weakness and emptiness in me so that I can turn to you and let you fill me for the sake of (mention your intention, e.g., those who are struggling with addictions). Instead of being upset by our weaknesses, then, we can be glad of them, for awareness of them can make us precisely the empty vessels that God needs, and can throw us back on our true strength – God. This is particularly relevant for families who have generally seen themselves as second-class, inadequate people in the Church – hassled, imperfect, torn in different directions, coping with constant demands. We never seem to be able to measure up to the Church professionals, the clergy and religious. Lay people have often seen their 'lowly' state as somehow alienating them from God. But Therese is now telling them the opposite: that this lowly 'emptiness' is actually their greatest asset! Sanctity is not impossible for them, it is especially for them, for the weak and empty! 'I boggle at the suffering!' One question remains, however – that of suffering. Some of us boggle at the emphasis Therese puts on suffering as part of her offering of her life for others. Therese emphasised suffering because she knew that an openness to suffering tends to leave us more open to truly loving. Love is proven, not by what we say, but by how we live when we are frustrated and inconvenienced and put out. "Love is nourished by sacrifices," she states. "my nature was such that fear made me recoil, but with love not only did I advance, I actually flew." In the last year of her life, however, she realised that she had over-emphasised suffering and she no longer desired to suffer: she merely desired to live her life in harmony with God's will – and she was open to suffering only insofar as it was part of that harmony. "I no longer feel the necessity of refusing all human consolations." In the same way, people in families can enjoy the comforts and joys of daily living (friendships, food, a glass of beer or wine, taking time out to relax with a book or film…) But they also need to stay open to the inevitable sufferings of daily life rather than shirk them. There is plenty of suffering in our everyday lives – aches, cold, rising in the morning, coping with 'difficult' family members, things going wrong at work, the frustrations of children not co-operating, the unexpected demands of family illness or death… There is additional 'pain' in trying to live a loving life, thinking of the needs of others and putting ourselves out for them, even cutting back on things we enjoy to make more time for family! Suffering these frustrations cheerfully (and not becoming a 'moan'!) is what is being asked of us, not because 'suffering is good for us', but because it is the test of our love (as every husband and wife learn when they begin to live their commitment for worse as well as for better, in sickness as well as in health). Therese reassures us, however, that such 'suffering' also brings a deep peace. Two Practical Suggestions That great practical saint, Vincent de Paul, used to advise his priests to end their homilies with two practical suggestions. I'd like to end this article by taking his advice. Here are two suggestions: A. Monday to Sunday. Decide whom you would like to dedicate your life to beyond your immediate family. Therese, for example, dedicated her life to missionaries and to priests. God often calls us by planting in our hearts an attraction to a particular cause or group of people. So what attracts you? Or you might offer each day of the week for a different intention. That can help to move you away from a self-absorbed spirituality and include others in the wider Body of Christ. For example, you might offer Mondays for the renewal of the Church through the renewal of families (how can the Body be healthy if its cells are weak?); Tuesdays could be a special day for remembering those who have died; Wednesdays might be offered for missionaries at home and abroad; Thursdays (with some fasting) for those who are suffering – from hunger, poverty, bereavement, illness, oppression; Fridays for peace and justice in the trouble-spots of the world; Saturdays for priests and all who minister to others; Sundays for the renewal of the Church, the Body of Christ on earth – beginning with your own little church-family and widening out to your friends, relatives, parishioners, Church leaders, etc. In these ways our lives become increasingly dedicated to the renewal of the Church and of the world. (The word 'church' is today a turn-off for some people, but Therese wants us to think of the church, not so much as an institution but as people – our sisters and brothers everywhere in the Body of Christ. Offering our lives for the intentions above can help us to take seriously that families really are little churches whose very existence is for the whole world and especially for the poor.) B. Living the intention. This dedication of our lives is much more than merely naming an intention at the beginning of the day. It is deepened and strengthened by snatches of prayer through the day that dedicate and rededicate our daily living and loving to that specific group of people. Indeed, the more awareness we have, the more effective we can become. If we are praying for those who are suffering and we meet some frustration (like being needed or called when we are in the middle of something else), we might offer that 'pain' for them. If we dedicate a day of the week to the renewal of family life, we can recall this dedication occasionally throughout the day, at the same time inviting the Spirit to help us live more loving lives within our own families. If I am praying for missionaries, I might remember that I am a missionary – spreading Christ's gospel of love to my family and to everyone I meet. If we dedicate a day to the many who struggle for peace and justice in the world, we might examine our own lives and commit ourselves to caring for the earth and to playing our own small part in being fairer and more just in our homes, workplaces and neighbourhoods. 'Offering things up' has sometimes been used as an excuse for inaction –instead of making changes and doing something about our situation. Living our daily intention, however, challenges us to be pro-active, to face up to life's challenges and to cheerfully live that intention in our own lives and to work for change. What may help in this respect is Therese's practice of repeating and praying with a phrase from scripture that links in with our daily intention. Conclusion To sum up then. We have seen that it is not after all so strange for families to learn from religious communities. I have attempted to point to some valuable lessons that families can learn from them, and particularly from Therese of Lisieux (though there is much more in her teaching than this short article can do justice to). In a new kind of 'individualist' society, then, the spirituality of Carmelite contemplatives can be surprisingly applicable to families as they go about their humdrum daily activities and dedicate them to others. At a time when some people are disillusioned with the Church, Therese shows us an attractive and caring way to be 'church' with one another. Can you see how relevant this awareness of church might be for our spirituality and for the world? Michael Quinn Family Caring Trust Newry Recommended Reading: Love in the Heart of the Church, Chris O'Donnell, Veritas, ISBN 1-85390-391-4. Also Story of a Soul (the quotations in this article have been taken from the translation by John Clarke, published ICS Publications, ISBN 0-935216-58-8). What does God expect of parents! by Michael and Terri Quinn (available from Family Caring Trust, Ashtree Park, Newry €7.95 incl. p+p), also fleshes out some of the practicalities of family spirituality and the implications of being a 'little church.' |
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