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Sometimes I think it's a real pity that God doesn't work as conspicuously as he does in cartoons etc-a nice big lightening bolt or booming voice reminiscent of the Book of Daniel would prove most useful at times when we look to God to guide us in the right direction. Unfortunately, God doesn't work like the M1. The Christian is perhaps the most intrepid explorer of all, for we cannot rely on a billboard telling us the correct path to choose. Nor can we wander along with our eyes skyward turned, for we would miss the wonderful little everyday happenings that add value to our lives. What the Christian must do is look to the very bottom of their being, for God dances in many places. Over the past couple of months I came to realise that I don't have particularly strong faith in myself, and this certainly came to the fore when decision-making. Consider my dilemma earlier this summer, when I realised that I had made the wrong university choice. I am a book worm by nature, but after two years worth of careers classes it dawned on me that this wouldn't look too promising on a CV. Law-' now wouldn't that be more useful'? So, against my natural instincts, I made my university preparations. Yet over the summer, after the hype of exam period when I had more time to stop and think, I realised that I felt horribly suffocated already, anticipating a degree course that, at heart, I knew was unsuitable for me. I was scared, curiously lonely and completely unsure of my own judgement. I did not know how to make the first tentative steps into a new stage in my life, doing what I wanted to do. I simply did not trust my own judgement, so I asked God to give me a bit of guidance. 'Anything really', 'just a clue of what to do, where to go, would be useful!' Our visual, aesthetic society undoubtedly impacts upon the'noughties' generation! This summer I travelled to Lourdes once more with the Down and Connor Youth Team. It was another outstanding week, but physically and emotionally exhausting, for as I sat in the silence of the grotto at nights the weighty question in my mind, 'where am I going, God?' remained unanswered. When I returned home, and as results day drew nearer, I became more restless and more uneasy. So I shared my problem with my parents, explaining that I would be much happier studying English. By voicing my problem, I was able to explore it more fully, and consider other aspects of it. My parents had valid reasons for believing what they did, but that did little to assuage my concerns. As I talked to them, I became surer of my convictions, and had an intuitive belief that English was the right path to begin on. After a week or so of discussing the issue, my parents agreed to support my decision. When I received my results, I had another interview at my chosen university, this time for English, which was completely different to my first interview-it was an exciting, enthusiastic discussion, and for the first time in the past year, I trusted my own decision. As I write this, laptop propped up on my knee in my room at uni, I can still feel that sense of excitement. Perhaps it's been a little diluted by lack of sleep, several 'bops' and many hours hunched over Milton, but every now and again, I pause and simply think, 'wow'. Certainly, I'm more at ease with myself for making the right decision, but part of my peace of mind comes from the realisation that God was present at a time when I thought I felt so alone. In the grotto at Lourdes, perhaps I was expecting that flash of light or booming voice, but instead I became more unsettled. I know I had little faith in myself as I did not trust my instincts, and in this way, I had little faith in God who guides me. Yet I realise that deep down in me, there was a strong little voice of conviction that would not rest, which niggled at me until I voiced my problems. Through prayer, my doubts about Law grew until I had the strength of mind to challenge these doubts, and actively do something about it. God gave me the courage to trust myself. As Polonius said 'To thine own self be true'. This lofty statement has resonance for the Christian. For when we have faith in God, we have the courage to have faith in ourselves. Amy October 2007 |
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